Category Archives: Life

Patiently Waiting

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I am wondering how long will He wait

I’ve been running from Him so long

Finding every excuse that I could

Doing all the things I know are wrong

I go about living my life daily

As if I am not one of the elect

Trying to deny that part of me

Using work as an excuse to neglect

Neglect my obligations to Him

Those in which I know to be required

Instead passing through this existence

Fulfilling my own lustful desires

Patiently He waits on me to make up my mind

To get myself together and make that change

All the while He’s still keeping me covered

Never failing to provide everlasting mercy and grace

When you think about how I treat Him

Today we’re on, tomorrow I’m gone

If He were of the mindset of we mere mortals

My relationship status would be “All Alone”

But thankfully His way of thinking is not like man

Whenever I need Him he’s always there

With open arms to take upon His shoulders

Every single burden that I may bare

Never short of the promises that He’s given

Ever blessing, ever faithful, forever true

Yet I esteem Him so carelessly

Acting as if He’s just another member of the crew

So thankful that He’s never given up on me

Allowing me chance on top of chance

To get my life together & in order

Not taking me out of this life without a second glance

So it’s time that I make that transformation

And stop living as if I’m Lady Invincible

Time to stop running from this call

And just lay all my cards on the Lord’s Table

I’m praying that I can be all that He wants

And not just His part time lover

Thank you Lord for allowing me to get myself in order

And for always providing me with your covering

I Am….Because Of You

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If there never was a you in my life

I wonder exactly who would I be

You bring the best of “I am” from within

Causing the world to see “Me”

Your smile is the essence of who God is

For in it I can see the likeness of true joy

Your eyes reflect the meaning of sincerity

Like the thanks from a child with a new Christmas toy

Sometimes I sit around thinking about you

Grateful for the gift of such a precious blessing

Realizing that through every trial I’ve faced

You are the reward out of every lesson

The fact that my heart skips a beat

At just the mere mention of your name

Makes me realize the impact you’ve made

And how my life will never be the same

Since you became a part of my life

Just so few years ago

I’ve experienced a glimpse of happiness

That I want to forever grow

I’ve been so afraid of loving someone

Because of things that happened in the past

But I’m learning that some things are worth the risk

Even at the chance that it may or may not last

If only given one opportunity

To completely give my heart and soul

I wonder if I’ll be able to end your rain

And be your rainbow’s pot of gold

Whether I ever get that option or not

There is one thing that I’m sure of

You’re the reason I want love again

A gift sent from heaven above

“His” Song

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Now what I’m about to say

Some would say I’m not a la-day

But I have to take just this moment

To express how he makes me feel like a woman

When he gets that look in his eyes

That says girl I wanna rub on those sexy thighs

It makes the rivers of honey go raging

Ready for the release that has been caged in

I can never resist nor do I even try

His sweet kisses all over that make me say my, my, my

The anticipation he builds of what’s to come

With the flick of a wrist, the slickness of his tongue

Sliding ever so smoothly over and in my womanly treasure

Always bringing me to my first round of blissful pleasure

I want his love but I need his lust

To feel him fill me with each and every thrust

Of his manhood between those powerful thighs

As he sends me afloat on this oh so natural high

Just when I think I can’t take much more

He slows down to make sure Vagi feels adored

Juices flowing, like a Brazilian rain forest

Oh how he loves when I become so moistened

Then it happens, that ultimate Big O

And all a girl has left to say is…… whoa

The Forbidden

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Kisses, hugs……lust versus love

Who really understands the monumental difference these two possess

We all say I’d rather have the latter than the former

But the former usually happens before the latter when you’re trying to impress

Batting of the eyes…….swaying of those thighs

Causing the object of your attention’s nature to rise

Oh you may think that’s too much for a true lady to portray

Let’s keep it real, and stop with the unnecessary game play

You want him, he wants you

What in the world is a girl to do?

Ignore these raging feelings and emotions

Because of an erroneous devotion

To what others say on how I should act

Because to them, this lust thing is not something I should react

But hey, who’s to say that what we’re feeling could not turn into the real

But even if it doesn’t, we’re both grown and we both know the deal

My eyes are not wide shut but open and focused

Realizing that to deny myself is just bogus

The need sometimes is so strong until it’s not even funny

The magnetic pull it has like a bee to its honey

Wanting to get lost in the depth

Just lose my breath

In the intensity, the immensely

Riveting ripples of pleasure of my womanly treasure

Yet holding back because in the back of my mind

A lady has to be refined

Carry yourself as a lady because in the morning he won’t respect you

He’ll have the goods, leave, and move on without you

That’s what I was told from the time I knew the difference between hot & cold

Can I say though that I really don’t give a —-….can I be so bold??

Nah, I won’t go that far but just know this for sure

No longer will I deny myself waiting for Mr. Right because a lady must be “Pure”

I have no obligations to anyone but God

And in the end, he’s the one I’ll have to answer to, not any of yall

I say these things because this is what I’ve been feeling for so long

But let’s be real, I’m not that chick, these are just words to another sad love song

Oh how I wish I could just react on what I’m feeling right now

In the end, this little fantasy on paper is as far as my mind will allow

 

“Do You Need An Extension”

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It’s been a while since I made a post but today it is expedient for me to do so.  It’s either write or fight and as I’ve been told by someone very special to me, I’m too pretty to be fighting while flying. And the pen is mightier than the sword. I had a very humbling experience happen to me today while boarding my flight to Orlando from Seattle on Alaska Airlines Flight 18.

As I’m boarding the the flight to find my seat, the flight attendant just blurts out as I’m passing her (with several other passengers around), “Ma’am, would you like a seat belt extension to make your flight more comfortable?” After getting over the initial shock, I just shook my head and said no and kept walking. But that wasn’t the end……she yells after me, “Well if you change your mind, let me know.”

Ok, first, I know I’m overweight. I’ve never denied that so why is this upsetting me so much?  The fact that I’ve been doing this job for 7 years as of February 16 and I’ve NEVER been asked this question is the first reason. And I’m actually smaller now than I was in previous years.

The main reason I’m so upset though is the fact that in my mind, she was insulting me on the sly. Now as I watch this person as she interacts with others I realize that she’s just a mean old biddy and is rude to everyone. But it still doesn’t change the damage her words have done. I know I am a strong individual and I will get over what she said (after calling her a few words that I’m sure God is not pleased with). Hey, I’m just being honest.

But this got me to thinking. There is a lesson to be learned in every situation you may go through. How many times have I said things to people just because I felt like I could and I have every right to without thinking about the effect my words may have on them? When we were younger, we all use to say “Stick & Stones may break my bones but Words will never hurt me.” Biggest lie ever told. Words actually hurt more because of the lasting memory that replays over & over in your head of how you felt at that moment every time you think about it.

So in a way, this rude behind lady’s remark, although it made me cry (I’ll admit), it also made me do some self evaluation. Not just about my weight because that’s something I can fix easily. Hey, I’ve lost 18 pounds so I know I can get rid of that. It made me do some self evaluation of how I treat others. I’m not a rude person but I’m going to learn to be even more sensitive to the feelings of others. Not every thing should be spoken at all times. Just because you’re thinking it doesn’t mean it’s appropriate for it to leave your mouth.

So to the flight attendant Brenda on Flight 18 from Seattle to Orlando, February 24, 2011, thank you. And no I don’t need a seat belt extension (because I’m not that darn fat helfa) but I do need an extension of sympathy towards others. And thanks to you with your rude behind, I will now learn to give that extention to others.

This was my woosah moment so that I wouldn’t hit Brenda. Thanks Jason for reminding me to write & not fight. Love ya!! :-):-)

My Scare with Breast Cancer

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In all of my 35 years, it never even crossed my mind that cancer could even be an option for me.  Sometimes we walk around life acting as if we’re invincible to the things that may go on around us.  Yeah, it can happen to someone else but not me.  I’m Teresa.  I’m the person who’s full of faith in God; who pays her tithe and offerings on a REGULAR so God won’t allow anything like that to happen to me.  No, not me!!

Well, I had a dose of reality hit me this past month.  So I decided to go for a routine check-up, physical on September 3.  Well, I knew because of the weight there were certain things that were going to be told to me that I knew I had to take care of.  So I was prepared to hear those things (wasn’t ready for the fact that I’m borderline diabetic) but wasn’t too upset about it because with as much weight as I have on me, that is a side effect.  So my doctor fusses, tells me that I’ve got to make lifestyle changes now before I’m having to take insulin and popping pills at an early age.  That was my first wake-up call.  So I started the diet FOR REAL this time.

Now does this mean, I’ve got this down to a science?  Not at all!!  Actually it means that it’s been harder than ever.  But it’s not an option for me to do anything else but get rid of this weight.  So I’ve got to buckle down and do it.  Diabetes CANNOT BE my DESTINY!!

Ok, back to my BC story.  Well because I’m 35, my doctor says that this is the age that I should get my first mammogram.  Well, I’ve heard horror stories about getting mammograms so I’m already nervous about getting this.  But I was like well it’s just routine so let’s go on and get it over with and I won’t have to have another one until I’m 40.  HA!!  Boy was I in for a rude awakening.

So my results come back and they found a small mass on my left breast.  It was only 7mm but to me that might as well had been 7 inches.  So I had to go back for a second mammogram and ultrasound.  So I told people about this and they were like oh, it’s only going to be fatty tissue.  So when I went for the mammogram and ultrasound, I was like ok, this is just routine.  Because I’m a voluptuous girl, I was buying into that theory from everyone that it was just fatty tissue.

Again, I was in for a reality check.  The doctor comes in the room and tells me well Ms. Lamar, the mass on your breast is solid tissue.  It is small so you can either have a biopsy or wait and come back in 6 months to see if it has grown.  And she was so nonchalant with this statement as if she was talking to me about needing a haircut.  Well, I initially said, I’ll just wait the 6 months.  SIKE!!!  My brain wouldn’t allow me to wait.  After I left the place, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

The fact that both my grandmothers had had bout with breast cancer was playing on my mind.  My mom’s mother actually had one of her breasts removed due to it.  So you know how your mind starts playing tricks on you.  In the last 2 to 3 years, there have been so many people close to me who have had to deal with this disease.  So I really started to get nervous about it.  With that being said, I told my family and of course their first reaction was, “NO.  You can’t wait!!  You have to find out now so that if it is something, you can get it taken care of before it grows.”  And the more I thought about it the more I realized that was the right thing to do.  So I made the appointment to have the biopsy.

Now during this time, many of my friends were calling, texting, sending messages on FB, etc. and I wasn’t returning calls.  I am the type of person who loves to help others but I am not one to share when I’m going through things.  So I want to take this moment to apologize to all of you who I was sort of kinda ignoring.  It wasn’t out of spite but I was dealing with this in my own way.  I love you all!!!

Now back to the topic.  Now for those of you who don’t know, a biopsy is minor surgery so this was not something to take likely and it does everyone differently.  I read about it but I had to make sure I didn’t get too overwhelmed by it.  But the more I thought about it the more nervous I became.  So by the time September 15 came for me to get the biopsy, I had had all kinds of thoughts.  I had actually said in my mind, well if this is the case, it means that God wants me to go through this test to help someone else.  But it will not be unto death.  Now, for some that is a good attitude to have, right?  But for me, Teresa, where in the world was my faith!!!  Again, I’m that avid church goer who supposedly has all this faith, right?  Boy talking about being tested.

Well I went through the process of the biopsy and the doctors and nurses were so amazed at how calm I was but that was because I had resigned that morning that it would be whatever it would be and if God had brought me to it, he would bring me through.  The surgery went very well and they pulled the sample they needed.  I was told 2 to 3 business days for the results…….today is Wednesday, so my appointment to get the results was for the following Monday.  Talk about not being able to sleep!!!

Well Friday afternoon, I get a call from my doctor and not the lab and she says well I want to let you know so you won’t have to wait over the weekend.  The results came back benign.  GREAT NEWS, right?  Well that high was short lived because in the same breath she tells me that she was afraid they didn’t get enough sample so I needed to call Monday to set up an appointment to see her.  I still go to the appointment with the lab on Monday and they tell me everything is fine in their eyes.  So now I have to go to my primary doctor.

Yeah, this is a long story but this was a major ordeal for me!!!

Well I get an appointment for Wednesday with my doctor and she tells me that she wants me to see a breast specialist!!  WTH!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!  Remember, it was only 7mm!!!  Well she’s afraid that they didn’t take enough sample because they only got 2mm out for the sample which wasn’t even half of the mass.  I just smile and say ok and called to make the appointment.

Now when I call for this appointment, guess what, they can’t see me until the following Monday, September 27.  Are you serious?  Another weekend with this??  But I’m patient.  In the meantime, again my mind starts playing tricks on me, again.  I was having pain in my left breast (in my mind).  Well of course it’s going to be sore, I had minor surgery!!  DUH!!  Finally, Monday came and I have the appointment with Dr. Kemp.  Love the lady now.  She’s my new best friend. 🙂  She looks at all of my charts, films, ultrasounds, mammograms and she tells me Ms. Lamar, you’re fine.  You just have blah, blah, blah.  It was some scientific name for lumpy breasts (don’t laugh).  That was the best news I could have gotten in my life.  Lumpy breasts, I can deal with!!!  It’s not CANCER!!!  THANK YOU LORD!!!

So now what does all of that long story mean……simply this, life is worth living people!!!  I don’t care what’s going on in my life, every trial, every hard time is worth it because it means I have a chance to make it better and get things right.

I want to admonish all ladies though to please go get your regular mammograms.  God forbid it had turned out differently for me, at least I would have had early detection and it could have been taken care of in time.  Do your regular at home checks.  This disease is no joke and there are so many people who have it.  I was in all of these different appointments with so many women who were not as fortunate as I to get the same results.

It also gave me a new outlook on getting this weight off.  As we all know, we all have cancerous cells in our bodies.  But our immune systems are what fight them off.  So the more we take care of our bodies the less likely they flare up.  And to my surprise, the more weight you have, the more it contributes to cancer.  Now maybe I should have known this but I DIDN’T!!!  I knew weight caused a lot of issues but didn’t know it contributed to cancer as well.  So that gave me a renewed energy to stop being lazy and get in the gym.  I want to live.  And I plan to one day be married and have kids so I have to be healthy to be around for them.

This is just my story and mine turned out to be good.  I will always have a constant reminder because I now have a titanium marker to show where the biopsy was done and a little scar.  But that’s my constant reminder that each time it hurts when I’m working out that it’s worth it.  My sister now calls me Wonder Woman because she says I have a bionic breast because of the titanium.  (She’s funny :))But I can take the jokes because I have life!!  I hope I have encouraged all ladies and even men to go get your regular check-ups.  Knowing is better so that you can be helped before it’s too late.

I love you all………as always…….Be good, do what’s right, live for the Lord, the Lord loves you and I do too!!

Caramel609

Better Eating Habits

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Well today was a pretty good day. I didn’t over indulge in food. I actually cooked dinner today, baked fish & stir fry veggies. And I used EVOO instead of butter.

Today I also began the process of reflection on my life, past, present, and future. And I realize that I have been living a partial lie for a while now.

For years I have portrayed this person who is over confident in herself to the point of almost cockiness. And don’t get me wrong I am confident in myself as far as my education, my singing ability, and my love for others.

But when it comes to relationships, I haven’t been confident ever. And today I actually admitted to myself that I’m so afraid of being hurt & abandoned that before I let that happen, I will shut a man out not giving him the time of day. Or I feel like I have to be in total control because giving up control means I’m vulnerable to him.

I realize this stems from many childhood phenomenons, from being molested as a young girl not once but twice by males who so called cared for me. Also the feeling of abandonment by my father. I felt as if when he divorced my mother, he divorced me too. And although I am able to talk about these situations, today was an eye opener that I really haven’t dealt with the emotions.

Now not dealing with them means what? Why am I saying these things? Because I realize that’s where I began my issues with my weight. Instead of turning to my passion of singing. I turned to food. And have carried that horrible habit into adulthood. And I have “blossomed” into the beautiful voluptuous woman I am today. 😉

I also realize that I want to love & be loved in return. I have fallen in love with one of the most amazing men ever. But I now know I cannot expect him to first, love me in return when I need to first learn to completely love Tee. And second, expect him or any man to be my rescuer. I have to rescue myself; from self-doubt, feelings of being inadequate, etc.

Now the question is how do I deal with this now? And I have no clue except with lots of prayer. God will help me.

Wow….didn’t intend to say all of that tonight but it feels good. Hopefully this is my first step in that major improvement of Tee!!

Love you all!!!!